The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. Oh, it's a good one for you this time. In these clips from four years ago, there was a celebrity sighting. We were looking forward to our freedom and it was party time at number 10. 00:17 And there was an identity fail. 00:21 Tanya says, why should Parliament have a recess anyway? Taxpayers need to demand that politicians work throughout the year like the rest of us. Yeah, well, of course, politicians say, well, it's not a holiday. I'll be working diligently in my constituency, they'll say. Sure they will. Here's a call in West Midlands. Ralph. 00:44 Hi, Nick, how are you? Good, thanks. 00:47 I'm a bit confused, you see. I hope you can help me because I'm stuck. I'm feeling very groggish tonight. 00:53 Oh, yes. 00:54 A bit like Sarajjavid. I'm wondering if a visitor Barnard Castle will help. You're feeling groggy? Booze. Yes, absolutely. 01:05 Yeah, and I'm also wondering why not Barnard Castle? Is it worth to go for an eye test? 01:09 Yes, I would recommend driving yourself. 01:12 I'm going with the family, you see, I have a day out. Right. 01:16 I was wondering if anyone, what's the best route to take there? 01:19 Well, my recommendation is you all sit in the back seat in the car and let the car drive itself. How does that sound? 01:25 Oh, that sounds brilliant. I'll just take the horse on track then, just like Boris. Right, OK. Well, send me a postcard when you get there. Thanks a lot, mate. 0345 6060 973. Don't use any emojis. I mean it. 01:39 Philip says, we can't stay locked down forever. Either the vaccines work or they don't. And they have been proven to work, including AstraZeneca. One good thing about the Johnson variant of the virus, it's so dominant that we'll repel all of those nasty European variants. 01:55 He's actually written that. 01:59 Don't ask me how he spelt it. I couldn't even begin. 02:05 Too many letters. 02:08 Gaz tweets, Nick, a bloke has just walked past our front bay window and he's wearing ski gear. 02:14 Well, that's ridiculous. 02:17 Exmoor, Steve. 02:20 Hello. Yes, sir. 02:22 Hello, is that Nick? 02:24 Yes, is that Steve? 02:26 Yes, it is. I was phoning up. I am in my pub on Exmoor, the Polkamoor Arms Yard Down. It's a very, very bad line, Steve. Do you want to repeat that for me? Yes. I was speaking to Rachel Campbell yesterday because she comes to my pub. You were speaking to Rachel Campbell? Yeah. 02:43 Who's that? 03:00 Well, he's owned all proven, some are nice. 03:04 Yeah. No, not Campbell, Rachel Johnson. 03:07 Ah, yes, Rachel Johnson. 03:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Rachel Johnson, well, she comes in my boat. She does it that far. Never got. 03:14 Of course. 03:14 And it's time to get to me tonight, just to be sure I've got the right line, but I've obviously got to use you, which is fantastic. And you're talking about pubs. 03:24 Well, not the pubs, but... Yeah, fortunately, Steve, I can't hear a word you're saying. 03:29 This must be the reception. Do you have a landline there you could use by any chance? 03:34 No. No. 03:36 No. You're working in a pub and it doesn't have a landline. 03:43 I find that hard to believe. 03:46 Along with everything else that you just said. 03:49 Apart from the bit about booze. Booze. 03:52 That part, I believe. 03:54 Anyway, good work. Thanks a lot, Steve, for whatever that was. 03:59 Carol says, I have my two kids with COVID-19 in my household with two vaccines. July 19th. Can't wait. Freedom. 04:06 So. 04:09 Does that make sense? No. 04:11 Shall I read it again? Negative. I have my two kids with COVID-19 in my household with two vaccines. July 19. Can't wait. Freedom. 04:24 OK. Yvonne says Jeremy Hunt needs to be our prime minister right now. 04:31 Well, somebody needs to be. 04:34 I mean, does anybody want to step up and take the job? Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go, okay. Not you. 04:42 You've had your chance and you blew it over and over again. 04:46 Oh, but he's doing his best. 04:49 Mark tweets, come on, we're running late, is way older than Carol McGiffin. 04:54 It's not. 04:55 It just, it isn't. Flat out is not. Come on, we're running late, is not way older than Carol McGiffin. What, you mean this? Come on! 05:04 That's not older than Carol McGiffin. Nothing is older than Carol McGiffin. 05:10 Let me remind you, by the way, we are doing our podcast tomorrow. We're going to tape it tomorrow. I mean, assuming that they've got the internet back up in France after that massive storm. 05:20 And so if you want us to solve a problem, then you're going to have to tell us what it is. We ain't mind readers, you know. And it's, what's your problem with Nick and Carol? That is the podcast. And the email address to send it to is nickandcarolatglobal.com. N-I-C-K-A-N-D-C-A-R-O-L at global.com. And prepare to be completely satisfied. 05:42 Oh, right, yeah. 05:46 You can get that with the other podcast that I do on Global Player, by the way, which you should definitely download and squirt up your device. 05:53 It's available where you get your apps. Yeah, that's right, apps. Apps, apps, baby. That's what it's all about. 06:04 Oh, you want to keep up. It's all about the apps these days. 06:08 That's what the kids are talking about. 24 hours a day. They're just on about the apps. 06:14 Trust me when I tell you. You want to get it and thank me? No, wait. I've changed my mind. You can thank me now. 06:21 Thank you. 06:22 Yvonne says. No, I've read that. Mark says. And I've read that one. Doing very well. 06:31 Jan says, Boris has stopped trying to model himself on the great Winston Churchill and has decided to settle for a combination of Caligula and Nero. 06:42 Gold helpers, says Jan. Tina says, I love Swedish meatballs, especially in Ikea, much better than British meatballs. 06:56 Does that have anything to do with what we've been talking about? No. I hope not. 07:02 Either you've lost your mind, Tina, or I have. 07:05 At this point, I'm not sure which it is. 07:07 Exmoor. Steve. Is this the same bloke? 07:11 Yep. Can you hear me now? 07:13 Oh, well, I can now. 07:14 Oh, well, that's good. I've just moved from one side of the pub to the other. Wow. That's exactly... 07:22 It's a miracle. 07:24 Well, it's not a miracle, Nick. It's just like, this is what it's like where I live. And take it from me, it's just like, just moving like 10 feet makes all the difference. So you can hear me. 07:35 I can hear you now, yes. I'm not sure I want to, but go ahead. 07:40 Yes, you do. What do I actually want to talk about? You want to talk about what's going to happen on Monday when all the masks come on or come off or whatever? 07:49 Have you called up to ask me what I want you to talk about? 07:53 No, I was actually phoning through to make sure that I got the right line to talk to Rachel Johnson tomorrow night. 08:01 Right, okay, I'll put you on hold, shall I? 08:03 No, no, no, don't put me on hold, Nick. I want to talk to you about what's going to happen on Monday. Ah. Because all of a sudden, the masks, from Monday, I've got a choice. I mean, well, I do have a choice. I mean, I can just open my pub as normal and just let people walk in there. 08:20 Mm-hmm. 08:21 which is what I'm going to do, which is what I've always done, which is apply common sense. 08:25 Ah, common sense. 08:26 Every last person that's come into my pub and has been over the last eight months has used common sense. 08:32 Common sense. 08:33 And it's like we're not following any rules or anything. Nobody needs to spit on anybody. They don't do that. They don't sing. 08:43 You know that you don't get it necessarily by spitting on people. 08:49 Well, I know, but generally we all know the way the diseases work, but we all use common sense here. We just play it like in the real world. 09:00 You know the virus is invisible and is not immune to sense, be it common or otherwise. 09:07 Yeah, but do I actually need to put lines on the floor in my pub to tell people to stand at a distance from here? Do I need to put a plastic screen up in front of the bar? Do I need to tell people to just, like, act sensibly? They all do. We're well aware the disease exists. 09:28 Well, if there's one thing that makes people act sensibly, Steve, it's alcohol. 09:34 Well, strangely enough... 09:37 no it doesn't I know but it does on Exmoor and it's like take it from me everybody comes in and gets absolutely drunk and we don't do anything stupid well you know what I'm not going to take it from you because you know you're talking rubbish just as much as I do people come in and get absolutely hammered and then act with common sense no they don't but better luck with Rachel like I said before I'll put you on hold Do not put the phone down, Steve. 10:11 Otherwise, you'll never get through. 10:13 You're on hold. You're first on the list tomorrow, as long as you stay right there. Don't move a muscle. 10:19 I think he's betraying a quite stupefying ignorance. 10:23 Thanks, Bodge. They call it Wine O'Clock Friday. Hey, Bodger. Stop whining. Do you ever sober up? No wonder he looks like that. 10:31 Forecasters today predicted the white stuff could hit the UK in two weeks' time. That is snow, in case you were wondering, not cocaine. It's not a number 10 party I'm talking about. It's the weather. 10:42 Brief weather update. 10:44 A freezing Arctic blast is expected to bring snow flurries in temperatures of minus five centigrade. Heavy snow could blanket London before the end of the month, with most areas expecting a coating on January the 30th, which is very specific, according to forecaster WX charts. Snow. Oh, no. Temperatures are set to plummet this weekend. Lows are for zero in Wales and West England. A yellow fog weather warning was issued for here, there and everywhere, baby. Warning, warning. Drivers should expect hazardous driving conditions and slower journey time, so to counteract that, they should speed up and hurtle round blind bends, overtaking anyone daft enough to be driving slowly. 11:23 Of course, if you have a wing on the back of your car, you will already be doing this. 11:27 Thank you! 11:28 There's a risk of freezing conditions until next Monday. Temperature's set to plummet to as low as minus four in parts of the country. And I sincerely hope that your parts are not one of the ones that I'm talking about. 11:40 Met Office spokesmodel Stephen said he was not expecting widespread snow, but for a light dusting on high grounds in Scotland, normal at this time of year. 11:49 with the cold weather arriving as Britain's face, a crushing cost-of-living crisis, it says here. 11:54 Including increased costs on heating bills, the government has advised people to heat the living room during the day and the bedroom while going to sleep if people can't heat all the rooms they use. Or they could just come over to Boris Johnson's place, where there's always a warm welcome, bring your own refreshments. Booze. As much as you can stuff in a suitcase and don't tell anyone. We wouldn't want it to get out a bodge. 12:16 I can't comment on that. 12:22 Some texts and emails and such from last night. There's a boatload of them. Huey texts. Is it not possible that Johnson can ask his tech team to set up a Zoom laptop in the fridge in which he is hiding so he can explain what's going on? 12:36 People are making fun of you, Bodger. 12:40 Phil Tex, he won't go unless his MPs get rid of him. He'll be there until the next election. Best news yet for the opposition, as losing the electorate can't be persuaded not to forget the last... What? Best news yet for the opposition, as long as the electorate can be persuaded not to forget the last 18 months or so. Wake up, sheeple. It's later than you think. 13:00 Paul texts, this is so un-Tory-like. Normally they are ruthless and will ditch leaders to ensure their grip on power. But this Tory party reminds me a little of the Trump party, formerly known as the Republicans. Johnson has hijacked the Tory party and I don't think they can imagine themselves without him. Hence this blind panic. Keep him there. 13:19 Yeah, I think that if you wanted to see the back of the Conservative Party running this country, then I think you'd probably want him to stay there. Just to remind people of, you know, how we got here. 13:31 Rona says, did you hear Smug yesterday? This would have been Thursday now. I have never wanted to throw my radio out of the window so much. 13:41 Surely he must be some kind of alien. He's not normal. That's for damn sure, says Rona. 13:46 Smug? You're better informed than I am. I don't know anything. 13:53 Has anybody in your experience ever thought more of themselves with less good reason than him? 14:04 Katie texts Boris et al have monumentally messed up however they were the safest hand during a global pandemic idiotic end to a good run says Katie who must have been asleep for the past two years safest hand during the global pandemic you've got to be kidding me well apart from every other country on earth you mean Johnny texts all this alcohol at business meetings will explain some of the decisions well that is true answers a lot of questions that we've been curious about over the past couple of years they were drunk explains everything This text says, wouldn't it be easier to ask what day in the year didn't a party take place? 14:55 Yeah, I think so. 14:57 Every day is party time over at number 10. We're having a party. 15:03 By the way, somebody walked in with a suitcase full of booze, right? They didn't just walk straight into number 10. They had to get past the police persons armed up to their eyeballs with all sorts of weaponry they are. There's at least three of them chit-chatting away every time I drive by. What they have to say to each other, I do not know. I mean, how much information can they be passing to each other? 15:27 But you don't just walk straight into number 10. You've got to get by them. You've got to get by the gate and then by this hump in the road. 15:35 A sleeping policeman, they used to call him. 15:38 Some, you know, like advanced repelling device that would dissuade anybody from launching an attack. 15:46 You've got to go through hoops. You've got to get through security. You can't just waltz in with a blooming suitcase. They want to know what's inside the suitcase. What was inside that suitcase? Booze. Booze and lots of it. 15:58 So police persons must have known that it was going on. Yeah, but that and the noise. 16:04 Nothing to see here. Police move along. 16:07 Oh. 16:09 I mean, it's not funny, but it sort of is. I mean, talking about the police. 16:15 An 80-year-old white ex-ballet dancer was mistaken for a black suspect in his 30s by highly trained operatives of the Metropolitan Police. Ooh! 16:25 An 80-year-old tall white ex-ballet dancer was tasered in his own kitchen by the officers of the excellently run Met Police who were looking for a 30-year-old short black man. It's the sort of mix-up we make all the time. 16:42 I mean, when I'm looking at the telly, I can't tell the difference between Gary Lineker and Jermaine Genas. They all look exactly alike to me. 16:52 80-year-old tall white ex-ballet dancer Roy Morton was woken on December 28th by officers armed with submachine guns who smashed through his front door, tasered him, pinned him to the floor and handcuffed him. Well, he had it coming because he wasn't doing anything at the time, said Priti Patel. 17:11 I made that up. Priti Patel said no such thing. 17:16 The police smashed through his front door, tasered him, pinned him to the floor, handcuffed him after allegedly mixing up his address and apparently becoming blind so that they could not tell the difference between an innocent 80-year-old tall white man and the 30-year-old short black man that they were supposed to be after. 17:32 Chief Superintendent Phil said... I am very sorry that I screwed up. 17:38 Totally. I mean, I am so sorry. You just don't know how sorry I am. I'm sorry. He said a team is investigating what happened, but he can't say any more as he does not want to prejudice Sue Gray's inquiry. He didn't say that. I lied about that too. 17:55 Describing the moment armed officers burst into his kitchen at seven o'clock in the morning... 18:02 Mr Morton told the Daily Mail, I was wearing my pyjamas just standing there on the tiled floor, wondering desperately what the hell was going on. Guilty! He said at least four police in full riot gear, carrying machine guns, were shining dazzling bright torches in my face, all shouting and screaming something unintelligible at me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 18:25 Suddenly one of them fired his taser and I fell to the floor of the kitchen, helpless. Then they jumped on me, kneeling on my back to pin me onto the tiled floor, twisting my arms behind my back and handcuffing me and telling me I was under arrest for impersonating a white man. 18:41 I'm joking. They didn't say that. 18:44 It's just another ordinary day with the Met Police under the guidance of their superb leader, Dame Cressida Dick. Three cheers for Cressida Dick. Hip hip. 18:53 No. 18:56 Narbuth. 18:56 Hello, Neil. 18:58 Hi, Nick. How are you doing? Good, thanks. 19:00 First of all, I want to start with an apology. Last night, you had a phone call from my hometown, Narbuth, from someone called Jimmy. 19:08 and he was talking about the fact that, well, actually the call was meandered along for ages, and I think you ended up saying we needed to call an ambulance to go to Narbo. That sounds like something I'd say, yeah. You did, yeah. 19:23 I mean, I was just concerned for his health. I can't remember precisely what it is you're talking about, but yeah, okay. 19:30 Is my nurturing side coming out, Neil? Absolutely. As anyone knows in South Wales, if you call for an ambulance, by the time they arrive, you're decomposed anyway. 19:39 You're either cured or dead. Yeah, that's right. 19:43 But, yeah, enough of that, anyway. It wasn't me, anyway, I'm not the people say, and no relatives of mine. I just wanted to just check, see if you'd received the message from Priti Patel this week, the one that was about sort of forming a square around the... 19:58 The Bodger. 19:59 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 20:01 She didn't say that, though, did she? You're making that up? 20:03 No, I'm kind of thinking that was the gist of it, given what was done previously for her. 20:11 That must be some sort of stupid Eton thing, that stupid Eton people say, just so that everybody else will know that they went to stupid Eton. Because ordinarily, you would, if you were trying to protect somebody, form a circle around them. It's a stronger shape. A circle, a square, is more easily penetrated. But it probably has something to do with the quadrangles. 20:35 In the case of Bodger, of course, it would have to be something like Trafalgar Square probably isn't that to be big enough. Huge, yes. 20:40 Big dog, that's right. 20:43 But I was thinking about ringing the Met Police tonight and perhaps getting dangerous dog acts employed towards that big dog anyway. 20:53 I recommend that you do that, Neil, and then call me back. Make your first call from prison to me. Promise me you'll do that. 20:59 Thanks a lot, mate. 21:01 What we got here... 21:03 is a failure to communicate. 21:05 Yes, it's a lack of communication. That's the problem. It's either that or a lack of comprehension. We're just too stupid to understand that they're doing a tremendous job. 21:16 Simon texts, I think Boris Johnson's Garden Party is the least of our problems that we face with this government. We appear to be sleepwalking into a dictatorship. 21:25 That's right. Yeah, there's going to be a vote on Monday. Big, big, big deal. Big deal. Huge. 21:32 I won't go into it in depth, but his taster. 21:35 Labour members in the House of Lords are to oppose last-minute amendments to the Police and Crime Bill, which human rights activists have described as a dangerous power grab in a move that could kill the proposals entirely. Hang on, I'm going to cough. 21:49 That's better? 21:52 In a low-key announcement on the Labour Lord's UK Twitter account on Friday. Can you imagine what that's like? 21:59 The Labour Lord's Twitter account. 22:02 Anyway, they said their party are going to be opposing protest clauses added late to the bill. That is a reference to 18 pages of amendments introduced by the government in November. Unlike the rest of the bill, however, where the Lords can merely send amendments back to the Commons to be reconsidered because the latest amendments were introduced in the Lords, they will fall if peers vote against them. 22:25 And Labour's decision to oppose sections of the Police Crime Sentencing and Courts Bill means that with the Greens and the Lib Dems... You remember the Lib Dems, don't you? No. Oh, they used to be a thing. Yeah, the greenies. Groovy. The groovy greenies and the Lib Dems. Some independents too. There's going to be enough votes to defeat the government. 22:48 Yeah, and so on anyway. 22:50 People were protesting about that today and with good reason. 22:54 We shouldn't be concentrating on the travails of his imperial bodgeness. We should be concentrating on that instead. So with that in mind... 23:03 It's been claimed that his imperial bodgeness, also known as the big dog, the fat Labrador, Bodger Johnson has drawn up a list of officials to be forced to quit as he desperately tries to cling on to his job. 23:15 He has taken full responsibility to find out who is responsible for everything he has ever done. Heads will roll. 23:24 The PM's desperate battle plan includes, but is not limited to, selecting officials to offer their resignation and accept blame for what he himself has done. 23:36 Wow. 23:38 He's got the Midas touch, no? No. They're going to have to budge up on the benches in the House of Lords because there's a few more coming their way, I bet. 23:48 Every one of these people who is going to face the sack... 23:53 is going to be out with a promise of just wait six months and you'll be living the high life in the House of Lords, the world's best club. They pay you to be a member. 24:05 It's understood that Bodger Johnson has himself dubbed the idea to save his own skin Operation Save Big Dog. 24:18 A big, shaggy, lovable old dog who's become too boisterous and needs to be taken away to live on a farm forever. 24:26 Or at least that's what we'll tell the kids. 24:29 Meanwhile, anxious Bodger and his ghoulish cast of enablers await the publication of senior official Sue Gray's findings, which I'm sure will be as thorough as any employee would be when investigating their own boss. 24:44 Now, the Independent says that Mr Johnson is drawing up a list of colleagues to resign so that he doesn't have to. 24:52 his chief of staff, Dan Rosenfield, who is outstanding in his own field. That's just a fact. 25:01 And private secretary, Martin Reynolds. Martin... Take a letter, Reynolds. His private secretary. 25:10 They're both being considered as possible departures from Downing Street and arrivals in the House of Lords, I bet you. I mean, does Bodger actually think that that's going to make us all forget about this? 25:22 And sigh with relief that a couple of suits that we've never heard of have taken the blame. 25:28 I mean, do you think we're stupid? Yes. 25:33 A former Tory cabinet minister said a root and branch overhaul of number 10 is a bare minimum to translate contrition into action. Oh, do me a favour. 25:44 I mean, talk about not getting it, as though we'd just go away if they patted us on the head. 25:51 Sue, fiercely independent Grey's report, will make findings of fact, but it'll be for the police to punish lockdown breaches. But as they're busy arresting 80-year-old ex-ballet dancers, they can't come to the phone right now. 26:10 So if fiercely independent Sue Gray did find under this mountain of evidence that they were breaking the law every week for months and months, it's going to be up to the Met Police to prosecute. 26:23 Case closed. Nothing to see here. Move along or it's 51 weeks in jail for you, sunshine. 26:30 Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said this shows just how seriously Boris Johnson has degraded the office of Prime Minister. The Conservatives have let Britain down. Boris Johnson should do this decent thing and resign. 26:43 Whoa, steady on there, Keir Starmer. You're beginning to sound like the opposition. 26:49 Levi texts, have you seen that Number 10 staff held wine time Fridays throughout the pandemic, but supporters are saying, so what? Because they just want Brexit. 27:00 Says Levi. Yeah. 27:03 Wine time Fridays. Whinging and whining and moaning. And the whinging and the moaning goes down a lot better with the whining. Booze. Exactly. 27:13 Phil says, Gandhi said, if there's an idiot in power, those who elected him are well represented. Ouch! 27:24 Alan says, be careful what you wish for. We didn't want May, but we would take her now that we have Johnson. And we would be wishing Johnson back if we ended up with Truss. 27:35 The brains Truss. 27:40 Oh, there's a story about her. 27:42 I mean, there's plenty, but here's one. 27:46 Liz Truss, the current favourite to succeed Boris Johnson to run this country. 27:49 Oh-ho! 27:52 hosted a lunch at an expensive private club after overruling civil service advice to look for a cheaper venue. 27:58 The civil service was trying to limit the expense to us poor dopes who pay taxes. 28:03 Thank you. 28:04 But the brains trust said that money is no object when it comes to herself as long as she's not paying. 28:12 Leaked correspondence. That place leaks like a sieve. 28:17 Good thing too. 28:19 Leaked correspondence has revealed that the foreign secretary refused to consider anywhere else and asked that public funds should pay for a £3,000 event with Joe Biden's trade representative. 28:32 You know, as though spending three grand on an American representative is going to get us a huge and tremendous trade deal. 28:40 Going to need a lot more than that. 28:44 Civil servants were so concerned at the cost and the venue's close links to the Conservative Party that the proposal was referred to the most senior official at the Department for International Trade. 28:55 The Brains Trust and her companions drank... What is it with these people and drink? 29:02 Two measures of dry gin, three bottles of Pazo Barrantes Albarino, a Spanish white wine, costing a total of £153. Ooh! 29:12 And two bottles of French red Coudelais de Beaucastel, costing a total of £280. What? That's £140 a bottle. And that's just the drink. 29:25 It's another hard day's work at the top. 29:28 Before attending the event with the US trade representatives, a civil servant described the club that the Brains Trust wanted to go to as obviously incredibly expensive and more than I understand we'd usually expect to pay for such a venue. 29:43 The email sent on the 15th of June last said officials had suggested another option, Quo Vadis in Soho, which costs only £1,000. 29:53 Only. 29:57 We must seem like ants to them. 30:02 This was refused. Quo Vadis in Soho was refused. It's a highfalutin joint, and if you have to ask how much it costs, then you can't afford it. 30:09 But that place was refused on behalf of Liz Truss because she was insisting that they book 5 Hartford Street and that Quo Vardis would be inappropriate. 30:23 So what was so special about this private members club, you're wondering? 30:27 Well, this club, 5 Hartford Street, is owned by Robin Burley. 30:32 a £20,000 donor to Boris Johnson's leadership campaign and half-brother of Zach Goldsmith, the Environment Minister. 30:41 Oh, fabulous. 30:43 Oh, my God. 30:46 Trust is reported to have previously used it to host Fizz with Liz dinners. 30:51 Where champagne was served. Fizz with Liz. 30:58 And biz with Liz. Receptions with potential donors. Biz with Liz. 31:06 That sounds a bit rude, come to think of it. Disgusting. Biz with Liz. No thanks. 31:11 Appreciate the offer. 31:14 This was all in preparation for a likely leadership bid. 31:21 And there it is. The only reason I can think of for not jettisoning Bodger Johnson from the upstairs window at number 10 is the horror of who might replace him. Prime Minister Liz the Brain's truss. 31:37 I think we need Donald Trump to be re-elected to run America immediately. 31:43 I can be more presidential than anybody. 31:45 Because it's going to take the world's eye off our travails. 31:49 We need America to start being the laughing stock of the world again. Because at the moment, we are tip-topper most. 31:56 At the very tip-topper most. 32:02 It's painful. In two short years, this clown show has done this to this country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, almost like a blink of the eye. 32:14 If only we'd had some clue as to what he was like before he... Oh, no, that's right. Everybody knew exactly what he was like. 32:23 But we just want Brexit. 32:26 Andrew texts, if you can remember being at a Downing Street party, then it's likely that you weren't there. 32:35 It gets worse. Have you read about the hangovers thing? Oh, my God. Just wait. 32:41 Just you wait. 32:44 Callie says, if Johnson goes and we get Sunag, heaven help the disabled or the NHS. Or we could get the Victorian cartoon character Rhys Mogg. Careful what you wish for. 32:54 Yeah, exactly. You're better informed than I am. I don't know anything. Again? I don't know anything. One more time. I don't know anything. 33:05 Yes, we are being led by trained professionals. They're doing their best. 33:12 Peter says, do you think that Dominic Cummings clears his inbox at the end of each week, or does he hang on to old emails for longer? I think he probably hangs on to them forever, you know, just in case. 33:24 Gordon says, I ordered your A to Z on the train to Edinburgh last Friday, somewhere north of Berwick, and the print version was delivered to an address in the Trossocks that Sunday. Wow, says Gordon. That is a wow. How do they do that? It's like magic. 33:39 Mike emails, I was going to comment about the appalling situation going on with this awful government, but I've decided to wait until I see Sue Gray's report, just like everybody else in this country. 33:50 Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray. 33:55 I'm not sure that Sugre even exists. 33:59 Athene emails. As a youngster in the 1970s, I have always found the dichotomy between what presenters sound like and look like to be absolutely fascinating. 34:09 Yeah, it's absolutely fascinating. 34:12 Boring! 34:13 I mean, you get an idea of what somebody looks like, but they're based on nothing at all. Just based on your own imagination, Athene. 34:20 Richie says, I ain't worried about the Conservative Covid parties. After coughing up my share of 30 grand for his wallpaper, now the British taxpayer may have to fork out for a new swing. 34:31 I hope it's not gold like the wallpaper, says Richie. That's right. 34:37 Talking about that, number 10 staff regularly slept off their hangovers on sofas after staying up until 3am after a hard day at the bar. Booze. According to a Downing Street insider, cleaners would be greeted by empty drinks left on desks the next morning. Bottles, bottles everywhere, nor any drop to drink. 35:00 An insider told the Times people used to sleep off their hangovers in the buildings overnight on sofas. And in the mornings there were empty drinks on the desks and the cleaners had to pick up. There was a culture of boozing. Oh, my God. 35:12 We're all lucky to be alive. 35:15 Were any of them ever sober? 35:18 They said staff had to put chairs across the door to Mr Johnson's office to stop him coming into contact with people because he simply did not think about following the rules. 35:29 Yeah, no rules apply to the big dog, a bodge. 35:34 That dog needs taken to the vets. Stop him humping the furniture. Disgusting. Staff took turns to stock up on drinks at the local Tesco metro with a wheelie suitcase to fill up the 34-bottle fridge which was delivered through the back door of Downing Street on December the 11th, 2020. 35:53 Why didn't they just relocate Number 10 to a Wetherspoon to save the trips? 35:58 And in December, while they were gallivanting, us poor dopes what pay taxes were forbidden to mix indoors, or even mostly outdoors, under threat of having our legs slapped by Priti Patel and our bank accounts raided for a five-figure sum. 36:16 Meanwhile, Downing Street scheduled Wine Time Fridays into the electronic calendars of 50 Number 10 staff every week between 4pm and 7pm. What? I mean, it wasn't even hush-hush, pass-it-on thing. 36:31 Psst, we're meeting tonight, don't tell anyone. 36:34 I mean, they were practically putting up bunting and banners, saying, well done, everybody, you made it through a whole day since Thursday, and now it's Wine Time Fridays. 36:44 I mean, serious question. If you can get put in jail for being in charge of a motor vehicle while drunk, what's the charge for being drunk in charge of a country? 36:54 Any thoughts on that one, Bodge? 36:55 I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. 36:57 Sue Gray, the famously independent Sue Gray, the senior civil servant investigating the litany of claims, is said to have been completely blindsided by the latest revelations and has immediately concluded that no rules were broken, the Prime Minister is a man of absolute integrity and no blame should be levelled at such a magnificent big dog as him. 37:16 Or at least that's how it played out in my mind. 37:18 How about you? 37:21 Meanwhile, cabinet ministers who probably backed their leader this week said it's becoming increasingly difficult to justify their support. 37:28 Increasingly difficult? 37:31 I mean, what are they waiting for to drop their support? For Bodge to set fire to the Houses of Parliament as a jape? 37:38 To find out that he's installed a torture chamber in the basement? For Bodge to rip his head off and reveal that inside he's a shape-shifting alien from space? 37:49 What are they waiting for? 37:52 Cabinet ministers say it's becoming increasingly difficult to justify their support. Can you believe that? 37:59 One of them said, this is the last chance saloon. 38:04 More revelations of parties and a pummeling at the local elections and the party will rise up. Oh, well, you know, as long as you've drawn a line in the sand. 38:12 The worst death and economic hit from Covid of any major country. The billions disappeared into the air on this or that dodgy deal. The debasement of this nation's reputation. All of that you were OK with. 38:27 But lose a couple of Tories their jobs at a local election and that's it. He's got to go. 38:33 A dozen Tory MPs have now criticised the Prime Minister publicly. 38:38 while another in a Redwall constituency ran a Facebook poll asking if he should go. Should he stay or should he go-go? 38:46 And a senior party activist said he wished to never hear of him again, all of whom will be under the tyres of a Boris bus before they know what's hit them. 38:57 Meanwhile, it appears that voters have finally woken up. 39:02 Put your socks on, sheeple. It's later than you think. 39:06 Seven out of ten of us apparently believe that his imperial botanist has not been telling the truth about his involvement in the bring-your-own-bottle garden party, which implies that 30% of the people in this country still think that he's an honest person. 39:23 You know, like his idol. 39:25 Everything that I've done is 100% proper. That's what I do is I do things proper. 39:29 He does things proper. 39:32 63% of us said that he should resign. Again, meaning about 4 in 10 are quite content with the way things are going. 39:40 And that's about enough to get him elected again. 39:43 Because I bet that those 4 in 10 will absolutely, totally and definitely go out to vote because, and I bet this is true, he got Brexit done. 39:53 How's Brexit going, by the way? Brexit's going great. The PM's spokesman admitted an apology had been made to Buckingham Palace over what they called regrettable behaviour in Downing Street on April the 16th last year when two other leaving dues took place. 40:09 including for the departing Director of Communications, James Slack, who went on to the Sun newspaper and seemed to have forgotten about being at a party the day before the funeral of Prince Philip at which the actual blooming Queen had to sit alone because of the rules doled out by the leader of this cavalcade of clowns, one Bodger Big Dog Johnson. 40:33 What a scoop that would have been for The Sun, if only the deputy editor of The Sun had remembered that he was there and that the party was thrown as a leaving due for him. 40:44 All three leaving events have now been referred to Sue Gray's investigation. Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray. If they keep saying Sue Gray, they must be hoping that we'll fall into a hypnotic trance. 40:58 What a way to run a country, eh? Dreadful. And I believe I told you about the podcast that I do with Carol McGiffin. It's a problem-solving one. 41:07 And if you have a problem, issue, conundrum, something like that, something you would like to have us bend our brains at, then simply send it to the following address, nickandcarol at global.com. N-I-C-K-A-N-D-C-A-R-O-L at global.com. And prepare to be totally satisfied. Ask for it by name on an internet near you. What's your problem with Nick and Carol? And you should know that we have a new subscription service called Nick Abbott The Whole Show Plus. 41:37 It's an extra podcast that comes out on a Monday dealing with all of the messages that I couldn't get to on Friday and Saturday on my shows on LBC and all the news stories that I couldn't get around to either. It's called Nick Abbott The Whole Show Plus. It's It's ad free. You also get the whole shows from my Friday and Saturday night stint on the radio and a newsletter which will get sent directly to your inbox on Friday, wiping up the previous week's business, ready to launch ourselves into the Friday and Saturday night shows at the weekend. 42:10 Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus. It's on Global Player and the new LBC app or just put Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus into your internet search engine and everything will become clear. 42:21 And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye-bye. 42:27 This has been a Global Production.